So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
you mean i was at the winter classic?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
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I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
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I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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