Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
