I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
