My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
