Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
