Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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