It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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