I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
