yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
