I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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