The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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