i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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