you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
