I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
