Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
