like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
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She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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