I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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