For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
