i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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