She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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