what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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