ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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