I wish my penis had an off switch
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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