My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
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