Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
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