I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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