Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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