i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
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