So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
