mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
