they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
