Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
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judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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