Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Randomize
