I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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