Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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