Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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