...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
