yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Pants are for mortals
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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