oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
