I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
