i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
