He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
