Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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