hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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