i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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