I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
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