I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
