Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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