I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Randomize
