Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
