I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
