a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
