____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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