if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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