hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
